


take a chance take a chance take a chance chance

by leofjtz



Category: AOS - Fandom, Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D - Fandom, Agents of SHIELD - Fandom, Marvel
Genre: ABBA, Crack, Gen, IKEA, family excursion, waffle makers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-11-23
Updated: 2014-11-23
Packaged: 2018-02-26 16:20:14
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,389
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2658455
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/leofjtz/pseuds/leofjtz
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Just your average family of superspy agents going on a late night furniture haul to IKEA because everything in their super secret base is either damaged or broken.</p>
            </blockquote>





	take a chance take a chance take a chance chance

**Author's Note:**

> FIRST OF ALL: thank you so much to everyone on twitter who have been constantly tweeting me with ideas for this -you all made me laugh lots [especially Laura and Brenna and Julia]; but also everyone who favourited tweets about it because i know that lot's of people did and it was just generally encouraging and you all know who you are and thANK YOU AND I LOVE YOU ALL AND I WILL START CRYING AND WHEEZING BECAUSE I LOVE YOU ALL.  
> -  
> title is from that ABBA song because Skye starts to sing it.  
> -  
> also; making interactions with ten characters if hard and i did really try but if your favourite dynamic don't interact im really sorry.

Damage to the contents of the Playground had slowly begun to add up. Fitz had spilt so much coffee on the sofa that it was slowly turning brown. Jemma had needed a large container to hold her chemicals in, and there wasn’t one big enough in the lab, and that was why the bath had melted. Skye was constantly jumping out and scaring people when they were drying the dishes, leading to several plate breakages.

It was when everyone came back from a mission and found Hunter swearing in a smoke-filled kitchen, Coulson decided that something had to be done.

“How did you manage to set every kitchen appliance on fire, man?” Triplett asked when the smoke had eventually cleared.

“If Lance Hunter is cooking, you don’t want to ask.” Mack sighed, shaking his head.

“Agreed.” Bobbi said firmly. Hunter squinted and shook his head at her.

“The waffle maker... it’s gone.” Ward said, holding the melted waffle maker in his hands and looking down at it inconsolably. Hunter raised his eyebrows and looked up into the corner of the room. "We have six coffee makers that somehow came through unscathed, and yet you managed to melt the one and only WAFFLE MAKER?!”

“Ok that’s it.” Coulson said. “I’ve had it with everyone destroying everything on this base –thanks to Skye’s little pranks we’ve been eating on “happy birthday” paper party plates for weeks. We’re going to IKEA.”

May rolled her eyes; Jemma and Fitz shot each other eager looks; Skye shrugged; Hunter clenched both fists and shouted “YES” like he did when he watched the football -Bobbi folded her arms in disapproval; Ward let out a loud sigh and looked back down at the waffle maker in his hands.

“But sir,” Ward looked up, “What about the waffle maker –the waffle makers they sell at IKEA are cheap and the batter gets stuck to the-”

“Ward enough about the waffle maker or so help me.” Coulson said before swiftly leaving.

-

They left for IKEA the next day. 

“Sir,” Jemma spoke up when they were on the road, she was sitting in the middle between Bobbi and Hunter –who had both gone pink and been avoiding eye contact the moment they both got inside the back of the government vehicle. “Why are we going so late at night? It’s seven o’clock –we’re only going to have three hours, and I know that it takes at _least_ two hours to pick the perfect kitchen worktop.”

“We’re living in the shadows,” Coulson said gravely, not taking his eyes off the road, “People are looking for us everywhere, we have a lot of enemies, if the wrong person sees us in IKEA tonight, this whole mission –I mean, excursion will go south.”

Jemma shuffled backwards and frowned at Hunter and Bobbi.

“And besides,” Coulson shrugged. “I don’t like shopping when it’s busy.”

When the team were inside the building, Coulson pulled a map out of his suit jacket and began to trace the different departments with his finger.

“Sir,” Fitz said, tapping Coulson on the shoulder. “I was wondering, could we maybe have dinner first –I’m bloody starving and I just know I won’t be able to pick out colour coordinated cushion covers on an empty stomach.”

“I’m seconding that.” Triplett nodded, “We’ve been eating food that Simmons’ cooked over a Bunsen burner all day.”

“Yeah, and we had no breakfast.” Ward complained, whipping around and glaring at Hunter. “Because _someone_ broke the waffle maker.”

Reluctantly Coulson led the team of nine superspy agents to the IKEA restaurant, where almost everyone ordered a plate of the classic Swedish meatballs.

“You guys know that they put horse meat in those, right?” Triplett asked, disapprovingly looking up from his salad. Skye, Fitz, Mack, and Hunter shrugged and continued eating. Everyone heard Ward mutter something about how the waffles “just aren’t the same” downheartedly, and May asking him why he was eating breakfast food at half past seven in the evening.

Whilst everyone made their way through their meal, Coulson took his map out again and set to work on his strategy. They needed plates, a bath, a sofa, and an entire new kitchen.

“The sofas and chairs are just west of where we’re sitting,” He said, pointing it out on the map. “We’ll pick out a new sofa first –Fitz remember the colour scheme of the living room or this could all go to pot.”

“I’m on it sir.” Fitz said with his mouth full.

As soon as everyone had finished, the team made their way to the living room furniture. When they reached the department, Hunter, Skye, and Fitz began to race towards an elaborate spinny chair, which they then all tried to squeeze on to.

“I’m the oldest.” Hunter argued, trying to push Skye off of him. “It’s mine. I get the first shot.”

“Oh for _Christ’s sake_ –I saw it first!” Fitz was wheezing because Hunter was half on top of him. “You know I saw it first.”

“I could throw both of you off if I wanted to.” Skye said through gritted teeth while she tried to separate them and wiggle down. “But we’re in public and it might look too obvious that I am an experienced SHIELD agent.”

“Can someone tell me who the bloody hell is touching my arse?” Hunter shouted, looking at both of them. 

“You are sitting on my hand.” Fitz leant forwards so he could talk over Skye. The three proceeded to push each other, leading to the chair tipping backwards and several of the employees glancing over at the unlikely group.

“Really, you’re all grownups!” Jemma hissed, pulling Skye up from underneath Hunter. “Skye, you’re twenty three –Fitz you’re nearly twenty seven –and Lance you are in your thirties! You should be setting an example to... these... _younger_ adults.”

The three of them stood up and brushed their knees, then looked down at their feet.

“Okay this just isn’t going to work.” Coulson sighed, “This is how we’re going to do this: Agent Triplett, Agent Ward, Agent Skye, Mack and I will find an appropriate bath, and purchase dishes. Fitzsimmons, you will go with Agent May, Agent Hunter, and Agent Morse; you’re looking for a new kitchen and a sofa. And then we’ll all regroup at the checkouts near the Christmas decorations.”

“Great.” Bobbi muttered sarcastically, “Furniture shopping with Hunter. My favourite.”

-

“What about this one?” May asked, “It suits the rest of the furniture, it’s big enough for us all to sit on, and it has a long guarantee –so we won’t have to come out on another IKEA shopping trip disaster any time soon.”

Fitz, Jemma, and Hunter were all sitting on the largest sofa IKEA had. Fitz was jumping ever so slightly, Jemma was sitting so far back that her feet weren’t touching the ground, 

Hunter had his legs up on the chaise part and was leaving flecks of mud and dirt everywhere.

“No, it’s just not right.” Fitz said, shaking his head. He looked over at Jemma. “It’s the...”

“It’s not bouncy enough.” Jemma agreed, shaking her head and looking up at Bobbi and May. “I mean... you don’t want a sofa to be _bouncy_... but a sofa with a little bounce is a lot more fun.”

“I’m not buying a sofa that you’re just going to bounce on.” May said. 

“We’re not going to –May I am _very_ if not the _most_ mature of... I don’t know what you’re...” Jemma laughed, shaking her head and frowning. “I would never jump on our new sofa.”

“Fine, it’s not bouncy enough.” Bobbi said, turning around and pointing a plainer and slightly smaller sofa. “How about this one?”

“It’s not just Fitz that spills things on the sofa.” Jemma admitted, “Skye and I have been known from time to time to knock over a _few_ glasses of red wine... and that would never wash out of a sofa that white. Oh and whenever Hunter watches the football he spills something. Every time.”

“What about this?” Hunter asked, everyone turned around. He was sitting on the back of an incredibly small sofa –which he then proceeded to slowly slide onto backwards. “It turns into a bed.”

“Why do you want a sofa bed? You have a bed.” May asked. “Coulson makes me drag you out of it every goddamn morning.”

“A sofa bed,” They heard Hunter say –they could only see his legs. “Would mean I could go to sleep in the living room whenever I wanted –and I wouldn’t have to sleep in a position that gives me leg cramps.”

May looked like she was completely giving up now. Jemma and Fitz didn’t get up from the large sofa, but stared over in confusion and bewilderment. Bobbi huffed and grabbed 

Hunter by the shoulders, pulling him off the sofa bed. 

“I’m eliminating you from the sofa decision making.” She said, “You three pick out a sofa, we’ll go and look for a washing machine.”

Fitz and Simmons managed to turn down a further three sofas before they found their perfect one, which Fitz began to call “the ultimate sofa supreme” and refused to stop calling, much to Simmons’ request. One of the sofas was eradicated because it wasn’t big enough.

“I’m sorry May, it just won’t do.” Jemma sighed. “We need a sofa with a long bit, a corner, and a shorter bit. You know that Skye likes to sit in the corner and me and Fitz like to sit on the shorter bit –and it’s all for logical reasons; we all enjoy the same film-night-snacks, and Ward and Triplett always say they can’t hear the film because Fitz eats so loudly –so we try to distance ourselves as far away as we can.”

When Fitz had written down the sofa’s number and name, Jemma called Bobbi’s mobile. Bobbi said that they were nowhere near the washing machines because Hunter had found one of the model house displays and found it “too cool to miss”.

Fitz made Jemma and May stop at the throws and cushions when they were on their way to find Bobbi and Hunter. Insisting that the playground needed “livening up a little”. 

“Look!” Fitz said, holding up a cushion with a reindeer print. “Christmas cushions!”

“We are not buying Christmas cushions.” May said firmly, taking the cushion from Fitz and putting it back in the pile. “We don’t have money to be spending on livening a secret SHIELD base up for Christmas. We’ve already talked about it and I said that I’ll get you a Christmas tree and you can decorate your lab and the living room. But I’m drawing the line at Christmas cushions.”

Jemma reached into the pile and pulled out a snowman and Christmas pudding cushion. They looked alarmingly familiar –May realised quickly that Jemma had given her and Ward knitted jumpers with the same images on last Christmas.

“May, please?” Jemma asked. “I’ll do chores –the cars, I’ll wash all of the cars next week. So will Fitz.”

“Hey!” Fitz said, “I want a Christmas pudding cushion, but not that much.”

May sighed, taking the cushions from Jemma and putting them in a nearby trolley, “Fine.”

Jemma and Fitz discussed the rest of their upcoming Christmas preparations when they were making their way to Bobbi and Hunter. They met them before they even reached the kitchen department.

“Agent May,” Hunter appeared in front of them, he had been trying out each of the beds, “I know that we’re looking for a washing machine right now, but I’ve been thinking; and if we were to invest in a new mattress for-”

“Hunter I’m not buying you a new mattress.” May said, walking right past him, “We’re on a budget.”

“That’s hardly fair!” He exclaimed, following her, “Everyone else has got a mattress from at least the past twenty years –mine has been there since the 1950s! I have bruises on my  
back because the springs stick out _and_ it’s cold.”

“How can it “being cold” be a problem when you sleep under a _mattress protector_ because you get too hot at night?” Bobbi asked.

“It’s winter time, Bobbi.” Hunter explained, turning around. “You _know_ I get cold in the winter time.”

“I only know about how cold you get in winter time because you used to insist on clinging onto me like a freezing limpet.” Bobbi rolled her eyes. May took a deep breath but kept walking.

“I only did that because I was cold and looking for some _love and warmth_ from my _wife_.” Hunter said, rolling his shoulders in the most exaggerated fashion.

“Well maybe sleeping under a mattress protector wouldn’t be so bad if you _washed_ it every so often.” Bobbi said, “I don’t know how you actually manage get to sleep when it still smells of tea that you spilt seven years ago.”

“You don’t _wash_ it?” Fitz and Jemma both said in the same appalled and disgusted voices.

“Hey! I have sensitive skin and the detergent makes it irritated.” Hunter said defensively. 

“Wouldn’t happen if you slept in more than just your boxer shorts...” Bobbi muttered under her breath.

“Enough.” May said, turning around. She was glad that the shop was empty because that would have been possibly the worst conversation for anyone to eavesdrop on. “You’re not getting a mattress. And when we get home you’re on laundry duty for a month because you need to learn how to wash things like an adult using the new washing machine which we would have found by now had we not been discussing your sleeping preferences.”

When May turned back around and walked away, Hunter glanced over at Jemma, who told him he was a grown man and would not help him wash everyone’s dirty clothes.

-

Picking out the right bath wasn’t hard. It wasn’t hard until Triplett pointed out that there was a special offer on showers as well; Ward, Skye and Mack all agreed that the water pressure of the current shower wasn’t up to anybody’s standard. 

“We’re shopping on a budget, guys.” Coulson said for the umpteenth time, checking the bath’s dimensions. The five of them were standing in a very cramped model bathroom that was probably only big enough for one person. “We aren’t getting funding anymore, and the money we have can’t just get thrown away on new showers.”

“Sir I have to take half an hour in the shower because the water pressure is so bad that it takes ages to wash out all of the bubbles from my hair.” Skye groaned, “I’ve discussed it with Jemma and Bobbi and May too –we all have thick hair, thick hair needs good water pressure for washing shampoo out!”

Coulson eventually caved and let Triplett and Ward pick out a new shower; Mack insisted that he and Fitz could get it fitted that night, Skye demanding to be the first one to try it out. The dishes were on the bottom floor. Ward let out a loud moan as they passed the waffle makers.

“Now, chances are we won’t be getting new dishes for a long time, so can we please make sure they match and that we all like the style.” Coulson said as they stood in front of the large array of dishes. Skye picked out pretty white plates with blue flowers on them, but Triplett, Mack and Ward all insisted that they were too small (the plates that Skye chose out were of normal plate size). 

“How about these?” Triplett said, holding up an extra large white plate and bowl. “These are big enough.” Trip looked down at the bowl. “I can see myself eating soup from here –my Nana has this amazing leek and potato recipe, you know what –I’m going to make it for everyone when it’s my turn to cook next.” 

“Eh,” Ward shrugged. “I prefer lentil soup. Red lentil –not black. I’m not an animal.”

“I can’t believe I’m actually listening to this.” Skye sighed, staring over at the blankets and wishing she was sofa shopping with May, Jemma and Bobbi. “Fine. Let’s get the oversized boring plates.”

Skye and Coulson packed a crate of the “oversized boring plates” into a trolley while Mack, Triplett and Ward discussed their favourite recipes. 

“I make the best quiche.” Mack confessed when they were pushing the trolley through the various kitchen utensils. 

“I love a good quiche.” Triplett nodded, stopping at a shelf of pots and pans. “Sir, didn’t Hunter burn everything in the kitchen? We don’t have anything to cook _with_ let alone _on_.”

“Okay but we just need essentials.” Coulson said as he stopped and picked up one of the pans. “Skye I don’t want you buying that kids cutlery where the forks and knives have faces and can click together.”

“What about these?” Ward asked, waving salt and pepper shakers. “The ones that we have are too small and are just uncomfortable to hold. But these are practical and better.”

Grant Ward was holding dog shaped salt and pepper shakers. Which he then had to return after Coulson told him “no way”. They had to make their way through bedding, lighting, and art to get to the checkouts. 

“Hey, hold up.” Triplett said as Coulson was wheeling past a huge canvas. When Coulson stopped, Triplett dropped four duvet covers into the trolley. “Don’t worry, I’m paying for them.”

“What do you need four duvet covers for?” Mack asked.

“This,” Triplett said, taking out a teal coloured one, “Is Agent Simmons’ favourite colour. And this one is for Fitz because he told me his has holes. This one is for me –and this one is for my Mom because she can’t find one like it at the IKEA back home.”

Before anyone could say anything, ABBA began to blast over the speakers.

“Oh hell no.” Triplett moaned as Skye began to belt out: _if you change your mind, I’ll be first in line, honey I’m still free, take a chance on me_. And Ward backing her up with: _take a chance, take a chance_. “Coulson I can tolerate a lot of things, Skye’s cooking maybe –but not 70s Swedish pop music.”

“Oh come on, Trip.” Skye said, grabbing a ladle as they walked, “Don’t be such a party pooper –I know you know the words.”

Skye then proceeded to sing: _if you need me, let me know, gonna be around; if you’ve got no place to go when you’re feeling down_. Triplett turned to Mack and raised his eyebrows, Mack shrugged and took the ladle from Skye, singing: _if you’re all alone, when the pretty birds have flown, honey I’m still free, take a chance on me_.

“This is ridiculous. I wouldn’t mind if it was a good song.” Triplett said, then sighed before singing, “Gonna do my very best and it ain’t no lie. If you put me to the test, if you let me try.”

It took them another three ABBA songs before they got even remotely near to the checkouts. Mack made everyone stop at the scented candles, and Ward disappeared for a while.

“This just isn’t natural.” Mack said, turning his nose up at a “green apple” candle, and handing it to Coulson, “Smell.”

The candle was passed around between Coulson, Skye, Triplett, and Mack who all agreed that green apples did not smell like that, nor should they ever smell like that.

“It’s like...” Coulson said, smelling it again. “I can’t quite put my finger on it. Toilet cleaner maybe? Petrol?”

Ward was now standing beside Coulson, putting a dog bed into the trolley. 

“Wh- what are you doing?” Triplett asked, “Dude I know you’re upset about the waffle maker, but I think you’re having a breakdown.”

“Babe, you don’t have a dog.” Skye said, holding onto his shoulders and looking into his eyes while Mack removed the large dog bed from the trolley. 

“Woah hey put that back.” Ward said, taking the dog bed from Mack and putting it back into the trolley. “Well I’ve been thinking, and I’m going to get a dog-”

“No you’re not.” Coulson interrupted, picking up a “cinnamon spice” candle and walking on.

“-because not only would I value and cherish him... watch him grow... he could be a valuable member of our team.” Ward said, chasing after Coulson. “He could smell things.”

“People can smell things, Ward.” Coulson sighed. They turned the corner just as May, FitzSimmons, Hunter and Bobbi piled out of the lift.

“Oh thank Christ.” Hunter said when he saw them. “I’m sick of this shopping trip –I had to witness FitzSimmons singing a duet of “knowing me, knowing you” and May refused to buy me a new mattress.”

“New mattress?” Skye asked, “Did you and Bobbi finally decide to stop banging in the cars and just go at it in a bed like normal divorced people?”

Coulson gave Hunter and Bobbi an outraged glare; Ward almost dropped his dog bed; May’s expression did not change.

“You did _what?_ ” Jemma and Fitz said at once, staring at the pair of them accusingly.

“We did _not._ ” Hunter said, turning to look at them.

“I would never.” Bobbi said, shaking her head and frowning, “Hunter is terrible –I mean look at him, he’s too short... he only showers twice a week –he’s –I wouldn’t –I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

“Yeah.” Hunter nodded, “Bobbi’s the worst: tall, nice hair –bad, I mean bad hair, uh... too tall –besides we’re divorced, divorce means you don’t sleep together.”  
May and Skye looked at each other.

“Sir I do have to say,” Mack sighed, not affected at all by the news, “It’s unfair that I can’t work on Lola but they get to have sex on her backseat three times.”  
“You did what in my car?!” Coulson shouted, one of the IKEA employees was walking past at the time, and just continued to walk faster.

“Offense!” Hunter shouted at Mack. “That’s –we did not!”

“Even if we did, _hypothetically_.” Bobbi said, nodding and looking up, “We would probably only _hypothetically_ do that... twice anyway. In Coulson’s car at least.”

“Did either of you take into consideration that in a hypothetical scenario like that, there would be camera’s –in the secret SHIELD base where security is taken so seriously?” May asked.

Coulson turned to her, “You _knew_?”

“And that hypothetically we would see your clothes lying on the ground?” Skye asked. Bobbi and Hunter looked at each other hesitantly. 

“We’re talking about this the moment we get home.” Coulson said, pointing at them both; then taking the dog bed from Ward, putting it in the trolley and leaving the circle of agents.

When they all got to the warehouse where the checkouts were, they had to wait for half an hour for an employee to get the sofa, kitchen parts, and bath. Coulson and May went through the contents of the trolleys.

“Okay, well I’ve got these Christmas cushions for FitzSimmons, and Hunter wanted this cactus painting –which he wouldn’t shut up about so we said he could get it.” May said, pointing to each item. “And I picked up new towels for Skye and Simmons.”

“That is the worst painting I have ever seen.” Coulson said, holding the abominable painting up. “We have these plates and bowls and glasses; then pots and pans and basic kitchen essentials –what are these doing in here? I told Ward I wasn’t buying dog shaped salt and pepper shakers. Okay and then Triplett said he’s buying these duvet covers. And I know that it looks like we have a lot of scented candles in there, but really there’s only about... fifteen. Make that seventeen. Oh and we got a new shower.”

May and Coulson looked over to the other side of the warehouse, where Mack and Triplett were lifting Fitz onto the next level of one of the tall shelves so that he could reach a ginormous bean bag, which he then passed down to Hunter –who was in no way prepared to have such a large bean bag thrown on him. A few minutes later he, Fitz and Simmons, carried the bean bag over to May and Coulson.

“We are not buying that.” May said sternly.

“We’ll pay for it.” They all said at once, and proceeded to carry it to the checkouts.

“What are they going to do with that?” Coulson asked.

“I don’t want to know.” Bobbi sighed, appearing at May’s side. 

When the sofa and bath and kitchen parts arrived, everyone was getting tired and the only thing keeping them awake was the amusing conversation going on between Fitz and Ward.

“So, what’s the new sofa called?” Ward asked as they wheeled everything out of the shop.

“Karliestadie.” Fitz said. The sofa was called KARLSTAD, and pronounced KARLSTAD. “What’s the bath called?” 

“Eddiebivekine.” Ward said with pride. The bath was called EDEBOVIKEN, and pronounced EDEBOVIKEN. “And my dog bed is called Bastize Kronase.” 

The dog bed was called BASTIS KRONA and pronounced BASTIS KRONA. May told Mack that she was going to go and get the quinjet –she had hidden it in a nearby field, so the nine of them waited in the car park.

“Can someone tell me why Grant has a dog bed?” Bobbi asked. “He doesn’t have a dog.”

“I’m getting one.” He said simply as he turned around. “Coulson says I can get one.”

“Coulson did not say you could get one.” Coulson said, keeping his eyes on the skies. It began to rain after they had packed the quinjet and watched as May flew home.

“I can’t wait to get home.” Skye said happily, to Jemma, “Mack said him and Jemma would fix the new shower.”

“No one’s showering until we have all helped to assemble the new kitchen.” Coulson said, “Hunter you will be doing most of the work considering you burnt down the last one.”

Bobbi let out a loud uncontrollable laugh, wheezing as she said, “Well watching that will no doubt be the highlight of my night.”

Hunter didn’t turn around to make a face this time. He was standing in front of them and just stopped in the middle of the empty car park.

“Uh where did we park the cars?”


End file.
